The Secret to Raising Five Children

The secret to raising five children is to...

never take them all to the mall at the same time.

Yes, that's right.  Mother's of large families everywhere (or those of you who want to have large families), listen closely as I share my learned-through-the-fires-of-motherhood secrets:  To successfully raise five children and stay sane, mothers should not attempt to take all five children to the mall.

It seemed like a good idea at the time.  We rarely go to the mall.  But yesterday, we were going to be driving right past the mall.  The kids needed some extra motivation to get their chores done, so I told them if they got their jobs done in time, we would stop by the mall.  Rachel needed some new jeans for school, and I wanted to check and see if any of the Old Navy jeans--on sale this week--would fit her.  (She is sort of in between girl's and women's sizes right now).

Something in the back of my mind told me that taking all the kids to Old Navy might not be a good idea.  However, I ignored that feeling.  After all, it was only going to be one store for less than an hour.  How bad could it be?  It's not like I was going to take them all and do school shopping for everyone all at once.  That would be a death sentence for sure.  I've even learned that I need to take them school supply shopping no more than one or two at a time, and preferably with no toddler or baby in tow.  Yes, that means 72 separate trips to Target, but... I value my sanity.

I didn't mention our plans to visit the mall to Ben.  That same voice in the back of my mind told me that he would not be in favor of going, but I couldn't leave him home.  So I postponed telling him until we were on the way.  From that moment on, I was peppered with, "I hate the mall," every 10 seconds or so for the duration of the trip.  Sarah and Rachel were happy to go, but not so happy to have all the other little kids come along.  Kate got dreamy-eyed at the mention of going to the mall and anxiously jumped in the car ready to go.  As my most fashion conscious child, yet the one who wears mostly hand-me-downs from her sisters, cousins and friends, Kate was giddy with the prospect of looking at and maybe, just maybe, picking out something brand new.   William was happy to get in the car and go, since I promised him we would go to Papa's office when we were done.

And so we were off.  I got a phone call on the way, so I talked to my sister as we drove.  Ben caused major mayhem in the car on the way by bothering everyone--and repeating, "I hate the mall,"-- so I was constantly turning around and whispering a loud whisper for Ben to "knock it off."  By the time we got there, I was a little ruffled.  And I realized I had forgotten to bring the stroller.  But, I reasoned, William doesn't really like to stay in it anyway, so it might have been more trouble than it was worth.  It would be okay, right?

I plastered on a smile, found a good parking spot, and marched all the kids inside the store.  I was determined that we would be successful.  I could do this. 

It started out okay.  Sarah went off to look at clothes by herself.  The rest of us headed for the jeans.  I asked Rachel which fit of jeans she wanted to try on--the skinny jeans in Diva, the Flirt, or the Sweetheart styles....or...the boot-cut jeans also available in the Diva, the Flirt, or the Sweetheart.  Of course, she wasn't sure.  Nor, did we know what size.  While we are having this discussion and gathering a large stack of various styles and sizes, I hear, "I hate the mall!" approximately 87 times.  Kate is repeatedly asking to go to her size clothing and William, who has brought along a large stuffed eagle (I was hoping it would keep him occupied!), is constantly running off, dropping his eagle, and has no interest in being picked up or held.  I realize it is about 2:30.  Naptime.  He doesn't really nap consistently anymore, but was tired from being up late.  What was a thinking bringing him at this time of day?!?!?

We eventually made our way to the dressing room.  The nice sales clerk asked us if we wanted to all be together and put us in the large handicap room.  Rachel began trying on jeans.  Kate and William sat on the bench and jockeyed for position.  Who was taking up the most space?  "It's not fair!"  "William is bothering me!" And the ever present stream by Ben, "This is sooooooo boring!  I haaaaaaaaaaate the mall!"  Ben got in front of the mirror and made weird faces, and fogged it up by breathing out through his nostrils.  Rachel kept telling him to get out of the way so she could see.   I was trying to sort the jeans between the ones that fit and the ones that didn't as she quickly tried them on and handed them to me.  Eventually Ben moved over to the bench.  Now there was definitely not enough room for Ben, Kate, and William on the bench with piles of jeans and my bag.  Ben got sent to the corner for time out, but refused to go.  Threats ensued and he eventually stood in the corner.  Unfortunately, the large dressing room still isn't that big, so he was close enough to keep causing trouble, and I could still hear his steady stream of comments.  I had told him before that he could pick out a new shirt for school too (can you please oh please where something besides old t-shirts to school?!?) but he was not interested.  "I hate the mall!" was all I got.

We finally settled on three pairs and tried to leave.  William found a bin of balls near the exit from the dressing room, and started crying when I wouldn't let him have one.  I scooped him up, screaming, and we headed to the little girl's section for Kate to look.  I didn't want to go back to the dressing room, so I had Kate try on the shirt she liked over her other shirt.  At this point, we just needed to get out quick.  Yep, it looks like it fits.  I hope it doesn't shrink.  William is now hiding behind the clothes racks and Ben is chasing him and trying to get him out.  They are making a lot of noise.  Sarah, who had found us a few minutes previously, does not want to be seen with us, and disappears around the corner.  Rachel tries to get William and we decide the shirt is a yes and move to the check-out line.

Since I would like to leave quickly, of course there are only two registers open, with long lines at each one.  The little kids bother the items displayed at the check-out and I have to keep taking things away from William.  Thankfully, a new register opens and I beeline for it, so I am second in line.  We eventually get through and head out to the car with three pair of jeans for Rachel, one shirt for Kate, and a swimming suit and pants grabbed quickly off the clearance rack for William.

Were we successful?  I guess, but it came at much too high of a cost.  I'm writing this post in case at some future time I forget how bad it was and I again attempt to take all five children to the mall.  Don't do, I warn my future self.  It is not worth it.

And so, we eventually made it home.  We had a nice evening which consisted of bike rides until dark while I weeded the garden and then an Uno game.  I tucked them in bed, and snuggled with William.  I looked at them all peaceful and sleeping and remembered once again why I love them so.  I am now a wiser mother, determined not to repeat previous mistakes.

And I vow once again, I will never take all five children to the mall.